The Patriots Balls

As suspicion and questions continue to grow regarding the under-inflated footballs of the New England Patriots at this year's AFC Championship Game, I began to wonder whether the media had anything of more significance to report beside this soft balls rubbish!

I do not care whether the Patriots men have small balls or blue balls, I simply fail to see why this matter has sparked such national debates and massive media coverage.

I suppose if the NBA encountered a deflated basketballs situation, it would become a big balls matter, or if the PGA Tour did, it would be a hard balls or a Tiger Woods knocking his balls around matter, which would ultimately become a downright dirty balls matter! However, this is simply a... I don't give a fuck about them balls matter! In fact, I could Barely Blink at this ballsy bullshit!

Copyright © 2015 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

Time For Some Sterling Problems In LA

The L.A. Clippers were on fire Saturday night when an alleged tape-recording of owner, Donald Sterling surfaced with racist remarks about Blacks. The team took to the court bearing T-shirts that read “White Out!” and turned their jerseys inside out in protest.

Frankly, I think this decrepit Sterling is misunderstood. Here is why...once a man, twice a child. You see, Sterling is nothing but a coffin dodger whose memory has tricked him into believing he lives in the 18^th Century with a biracial mistress who is in fact a fetus, and a bunch of cotton pickers who are actually respected professional athletes!

Come on America; don’t be so hard on the poor pissy-pants, Mr. Sterling. A racist needs therapy like most delusional patients. 

I recommend weekly sessions with Suge Knight and Snoop Lion at Shady Pines retirement home, supervised by Dr. Kevorkian. I bet that racist would…Barely Blink!

Copyright © 2014 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

The Oscar Night

An unforgettable night – you may agree – was the 86th Academy Awards (the Oscars). Especially Ellen DeGeneres’ re-tweeted, star-studded selfie that crashed Twitter. But, apart from that, there was this…

 

Rapper, Pharrell Williams misses the memo on tuxedo night and shows-up dressed for a backyard barbecue. John Travolta completely mispronounces the name of Broadway actress, Idina Menzel, and Barkhad Abdi reveals a candid look of disappointment when he discovers he lost Best Supporting Actor to Jared Leto.

 

Then, there was this… It seemed befitting that Kim Novak would announce the Oscar for Best Animated Film, as she personified the word animated with the ridiculous level of Botox she obviously had. Frankly, she looked like a ventriloquist in drag.

Next, 20 Feet From Stardom, a documentary showcasing backup singers, brought [perhaps no surprise] a display of  a hollering Lady Sings The Blues amidst the Oscar win for Best Documentary.

Matthew McConaughey was just… not the man! He probably needed to bulk-up a bit more, avoid the 80s Grease hairstyle and ditch his white, oversized, butler’s suit. Dude looked a tad bit like a Texas Redneck.

And, finally…What the hell was up with Julie Roberts in that black laced dress? In the words of Joan Rivers, “When you see a woman in this much lace, she looks like she’s going to bury a Kennedy.” That was my least favorite Red Carpet dress. Man, I could Barely Blink when I think of how much better Aunt Gretel’s doily looks.

Copyright © 2014 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

Holy Matrimony!

I could Barely Blink when I woke-up in a hotel room in Vegas with a wedding ring on my finger and a gorgeous creature lying beside me.  Fox5 was streaming Super Bowl XLVIII on the entertainment box in my room. 3rd Quarter, and the Super-dogs, Denver Broncos were down by zero to the Underdogs, Seattle Seahawks.

In that moment, I did not care whether the Bull-dogs were playing the Hot-dogs, my curiosity hinged on the gorgeous creature lying beside me and the wedding band on my finger. Sobriety is a bitch the day after a drunken stupor, and reality was possibly the one lying beside me.

My clothes were missing, head was aching…urgent care, Medicare, any care! Hell, I would have fancied Obamacare, anything to ease my headache and unravel the mystery.

Then, the gorgeous creature woke, turned, and looked at me. Holy Matrimony! She had hair on her fucking chest!!

Copyright © 2014 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

The Conscientious Beggar

Upon entering a train station, I could Barely Blink when a homeless dude politely asked me for eighty-two cents. I wondered whether this currency specific beggar was financially savvy enough to decipher the difference between eighty-two or forty-two cents - if I were to submit to his meticulous request.

 

Then, he offered details, “I need to get home, but I’m short eighty-two cents.” I marveled at his bold and cunning attempt to capture more than just a handsome penny by virtue of his pity politics. I refrained from inquiring the total fee for his journey, and whether his destination was the corner of Walk and Don’t Walk or a seedy dwelling below the Brooklyn Bridge.

 

Perhaps this Pythagoras could have been a successful banker, had Uncle Sam not screwed him below the Brooklyn Bridge. Instead, he is the Ben Bernanke of tax free income with eighteen cents interest on each eighty-two cents he deposits in his torn trousers.

 

Copyright © 2013 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

Zimmerman Is The Man!!

A Florida jury delivered an excellent verdict [based on the evidence] acquitting George Zimmerman for the shooting death of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin. The prosecution, on the other hand, screwed the fuck up! What a fucking waste of law school!

Speaking of “screwed,” the evidence suggests that Zimmerman did not have to kill Trayvon, he needed to! Here is why…

Zimmerman is corrupted by his own fucking demons, which may have led him to proposition Martin for a Sen. Larry Craig, “wide stance” tryst, and as Martin dismissed the indecent proposal, Zimmerman feared his reputation would be at stake, so he got out of his vehicle and followed Martin to muzzle him for good.

Martin, disgusted by Zimmerman’s queer proposition, could Barely Blink, and proceeded to beat the crap out of Zimmerman, until Zimmerman unfortunately fired the deadly shot.

Zimmerman… Duuuuude…You’re the man!! I fashion you as an O.J. Simpson, one who got away with murder, or a Kevin Clash, a puppeteer who begs little boys to “tickle me Elmo,” behind close doors.

 
Copyright © 2013 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

“Niederlage” for Serena Williams

Germany's C-list Tennis player, Sabine Lisicki served up a shocking defeat, beating World No.1 and five-time Wimbledon champion, Serena Williams.

Williams concede gracefully stating, "It's not a shock. She plays really good on grass,” yet, folks could Barely Blink!

Given the shocking defeat, one has to wonder whether Williams had a touch of German measles and became incapable of returning Lisicki’s balls. Perhaps, Williams should have bought a German Shepherd to scare Lisicki off, or feed her some savory German sausages just before the match.

Frankly, a marooned Lisicki stuck in a broken-down Volkswagen, somewhere in Germansville, would have secured a Williams win by default. However, I doubt whether Williams would join Lisicki for an early Oktoberfest celebration.

Glückwünsche, Lisicki!

Copyright © 2013 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.