The Patriots Balls

As suspicion and questions continue to grow regarding the under-inflated footballs of the New England Patriots at this year's AFC Championship Game, I began to wonder whether the media had anything of more significance to report beside this soft balls rubbish!

I do not care whether the Patriots men have small balls or blue balls, I simply fail to see why this matter has sparked such national debates and massive media coverage.

I suppose if the NBA encountered a deflated basketballs situation, it would become a big balls matter, or if the PGA Tour did, it would be a hard balls or a Tiger Woods knocking his balls around matter, which would ultimately become a downright dirty balls matter! However, this is simply a... I don't give a fuck about them balls matter! In fact, I could Barely Blink at this ballsy bullshit!

Copyright © 2015 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

Time For Some Sterling Problems In LA

The L.A. Clippers were on fire Saturday night when an alleged tape-recording of owner, Donald Sterling surfaced with racist remarks about Blacks. The team took to the court bearing T-shirts that read “White Out!” and turned their jerseys inside out in protest.

Frankly, I think this decrepit Sterling is misunderstood. Here is why...once a man, twice a child. You see, Sterling is nothing but a coffin dodger whose memory has tricked him into believing he lives in the 18^th Century with a biracial mistress who is in fact a fetus, and a bunch of cotton pickers who are actually respected professional athletes!

Come on America; don’t be so hard on the poor pissy-pants, Mr. Sterling. A racist needs therapy like most delusional patients. 

I recommend weekly sessions with Suge Knight and Snoop Lion at Shady Pines retirement home, supervised by Dr. Kevorkian. I bet that racist would…Barely Blink!

Copyright © 2014 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

The Oscar Night

An unforgettable night – you may agree – was the 86th Academy Awards (the Oscars). Especially Ellen DeGeneres’ re-tweeted, star-studded selfie that crashed Twitter. But, apart from that, there was this…

 

Rapper, Pharrell Williams misses the memo on tuxedo night and shows-up dressed for a backyard barbecue. John Travolta completely mispronounces the name of Broadway actress, Idina Menzel, and Barkhad Abdi reveals a candid look of disappointment when he discovers he lost Best Supporting Actor to Jared Leto.

 

Then, there was this… It seemed befitting that Kim Novak would announce the Oscar for Best Animated Film, as she personified the word animated with the ridiculous level of Botox she obviously had. Frankly, she looked like a ventriloquist in drag.

Next, 20 Feet From Stardom, a documentary showcasing backup singers, brought [perhaps no surprise] a display of  a hollering Lady Sings The Blues amidst the Oscar win for Best Documentary.

Matthew McConaughey was just… not the man! He probably needed to bulk-up a bit more, avoid the 80s Grease hairstyle and ditch his white, oversized, butler’s suit. Dude looked a tad bit like a Texas Redneck.

And, finally…What the hell was up with Julie Roberts in that black laced dress? In the words of Joan Rivers, “When you see a woman in this much lace, she looks like she’s going to bury a Kennedy.” That was my least favorite Red Carpet dress. Man, I could Barely Blink when I think of how much better Aunt Gretel’s doily looks.

Copyright © 2014 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

Holy Matrimony!

I could Barely Blink when I woke-up in a hotel room in Vegas with a wedding ring on my finger and a gorgeous creature lying beside me.  Fox5 was streaming Super Bowl XLVIII on the entertainment box in my room. 3rd Quarter, and the Super-dogs, Denver Broncos were down by zero to the Underdogs, Seattle Seahawks.

In that moment, I did not care whether the Bull-dogs were playing the Hot-dogs, my curiosity hinged on the gorgeous creature lying beside me and the wedding band on my finger. Sobriety is a bitch the day after a drunken stupor, and reality was possibly the one lying beside me.

My clothes were missing, head was aching…urgent care, Medicare, any care! Hell, I would have fancied Obamacare, anything to ease my headache and unravel the mystery.

Then, the gorgeous creature woke, turned, and looked at me. Holy Matrimony! She had hair on her fucking chest!!

Copyright © 2014 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

The Conscientious Beggar

Upon entering a train station, I could Barely Blink when a homeless dude politely asked me for eighty-two cents. I wondered whether this currency specific beggar was financially savvy enough to decipher the difference between eighty-two or forty-two cents - if I were to submit to his meticulous request.

 

Then, he offered details, “I need to get home, but I’m short eighty-two cents.” I marveled at his bold and cunning attempt to capture more than just a handsome penny by virtue of his pity politics. I refrained from inquiring the total fee for his journey, and whether his destination was the corner of Walk and Don’t Walk or a seedy dwelling below the Brooklyn Bridge.

 

Perhaps this Pythagoras could have been a successful banker, had Uncle Sam not screwed him below the Brooklyn Bridge. Instead, he is the Ben Bernanke of tax free income with eighteen cents interest on each eighty-two cents he deposits in his torn trousers.

 

Copyright © 2013 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

Zimmerman Is The Man!!

A Florida jury delivered an excellent verdict [based on the evidence] acquitting George Zimmerman for the shooting death of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin. The prosecution, on the other hand, screwed the fuck up! What a fucking waste of law school!

Speaking of “screwed,” the evidence suggests that Zimmerman did not have to kill Trayvon, he needed to! Here is why…

Zimmerman is corrupted by his own fucking demons, which may have led him to proposition Martin for a Sen. Larry Craig, “wide stance” tryst, and as Martin dismissed the indecent proposal, Zimmerman feared his reputation would be at stake, so he got out of his vehicle and followed Martin to muzzle him for good.

Martin, disgusted by Zimmerman’s queer proposition, could Barely Blink, and proceeded to beat the crap out of Zimmerman, until Zimmerman unfortunately fired the deadly shot.

Zimmerman… Duuuuude…You’re the man!! I fashion you as an O.J. Simpson, one who got away with murder, or a Kevin Clash, a puppeteer who begs little boys to “tickle me Elmo,” behind close doors.

 
Copyright © 2013 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

“Niederlage” for Serena Williams

Germany's C-list Tennis player, Sabine Lisicki served up a shocking defeat, beating World No.1 and five-time Wimbledon champion, Serena Williams.

Williams concede gracefully stating, "It's not a shock. She plays really good on grass,” yet, folks could Barely Blink!

Given the shocking defeat, one has to wonder whether Williams had a touch of German measles and became incapable of returning Lisicki’s balls. Perhaps, Williams should have bought a German Shepherd to scare Lisicki off, or feed her some savory German sausages just before the match.

Frankly, a marooned Lisicki stuck in a broken-down Volkswagen, somewhere in Germansville, would have secured a Williams win by default. However, I doubt whether Williams would join Lisicki for an early Oktoberfest celebration.

Glückwünsche, Lisicki!

Copyright © 2013 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

What Might Be Lurking In PRISM Spy

As the nation stormed into frenzy after a whistleblower leaked info on the U.S. Government’s PRISM spy program – one which allows them to tap into all Americans cell phone and internet communication – I was wondering exactly who I need to befriend to see just what some of these shady Government Executives do in their spare time.

I imagine Kim Kardashian and Jenna Jameson’s explicit sex scenes are lurking somewhere in their Internet history. A little bit of Snoop Dogg and some Gangnam Style amidst their Fifty Shades of Grey. Some bedroom and bathroom antics, like the bobbing foot of Sen. Larry Craig, and a stance as wide as his male receiver.

Sexing, scheming, deceiving and a host of other indiscretions probably haunt folks like Governors Mark Sanford, Jim McGreevey, Eliot Spitzer and that douchebag Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I could Barely Blink as I wonder what might be hiding behind the cool swag of Barack Obama. Hmm…

Copyright © 2013 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

Google Me on Bing

Dining at a local eatery a Bing (search engine) representative walked through the door and began taking a few hurry photos of the eatery. Hold the fuck up, Mr. Gilles Bensimon. I’ve got a Barely Blink reputation to protect, which involves not being seen at a cheesy eatery.

Frankly, I’ve got an identity to protect, but I take it neither is the least of Bing’s concern, as their mission [seemingly] is to upstage their competitor, Google. I cannot imagine Bing superseding Google, but an ambitious pursuit seems warranted all-the-same. 

Google has become so synonymous with conducting internet searches, so much so that I might catch a sexual assault if I were to ask a gal to Bing me, as oppose to Google me. Or, perhaps I could ask her to Google me on Bing. 

 
Copyright © 2013 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

Amanda Knox is Guilty!!

Make no mistake about the composed and sympathetic looking Amanda Knox. That bitch is guilty!!

Convicted in Italy, in 2008 for the murder of her roommate Meredith Kercher, a British exchange student, Knox was released in October 2011 when her conviction was overturned. Knox was originally sentenced to 26 years in prison along with her then [Italian] boyfriend Raffaele Sollecito who received a 25-year sentence for the murder of Kercher. However, this past March, the Italian court overturned Knox’s acquittal and ordered a retrial at an appellate court in Florence.

 
I could Barely Blink when I saw a pensive Amanda Knox, cleverly crafting responses in her head to feed a curious Diane Sawyer on ABC News. Knox has written a pack-of-lies, I presume, in a book she released this month call, “Waiting to be Heard: A Memoir by Amanda Knox.”

There is no doubt [in my mind] that Knox’s bizarre behavior in the wake of her roommate’s grisly death is due to the fact that she is guilty! Perhaps she accidentally killed Kercher over some hair spray or maybe she caught Kercher eating the last slice of leftover pizza. After all, an authentic Italy pizza is… to die for. Who knows… could be some other dumb shit! But, for whatever it was, it was enough to trigger the Jekyll and Hyde in this Good Girl turned murder.

If I were the U.S. government, I would extradite Knox’s ass back to Italy. She would have to face the consequences of her murderous actions!

 
Copyright © 2013 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

U.S. Congress In A Legal Bind

I could Barely Blink as Congress begins to stir things up with a number of tough decisions. Guns, gays and store-aways, all campaign reform promises President Obama might not be able to fulfill.

I propose the following:

Guns

Bring on the Colorado Dark Knight for a Batman blaze of glory up in Congress and we shall see how quickly these political Jokers endorse the Second Amendment.

Gays (Same-Sex Marriage)

Consider this. Vice President, Joe Biden frequently puts his foot in his mouth, yet everyone accepts him for his verbal follies and for being just Joe. My point is… who the fuck cares!

Store-Aways (Immigration)

Issue an executive order that would grant amnesty to illegal immigrants. Make it a national holiday and a nationwide party with tacos, burritos, nachos and a huge Uncle Tom piñata. This would keep frustrated Mexicans from taking their wives to the cliff Te-qui-la.
 
Copyright © 2013 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

Oprah’s Lifeclass on Thin Ice

Flicking through my TV channels, I could Barely Blink when I encountered media mogul, Oprah Winfrey, and a woman famed for her in-your-face life coaching, Iyanla Vanzant, berating and cornering this Caucasian woman about the [in their opinion] bad choices she made in life on an episode of Oprah’s Lifeclass.

If this were the 60s, these two would be erased, and Vanzant stoned to death for her witchcraft-like intuitiveness amidst her bullying antics!

In 2011, Vanzant and Winfrey publically rekindled their friendship after an 11-year fall-out, and while Vanzant stated she was disappointed in Winfrey’s lack of support, Winfrey responded matter-of-factly that she did not know Vanzant sought her support. Ha! Just call Winfrey the B Word…a Billionaire who does not give a flying fuck about anyone – including her rent-a-husband, Stedman!

Here they are in 2013, bosom-buddies antagonizing white people. These two need to learn a lesson on the history of America’s Lifeclass… that they might be skating on some very thin, retaliatory Redneck ice!

 
Copyright © 2013 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

Bad Boy Bieber

I am confused as to why the punkish antics of Justin Bieber have become greater headline news than the Supreme Court’s ruling on same-sex marriage. Frankly, I don’t give a fuck about either, but, the brat-ish and recent brutish Bieber antics have seemingly spiraled out of control.

A Shirtless Bieber seen parading through an airport?? A Trayvon Martin, Beiber seen in a fist fight with reporters?? A Danica Patrick, Beiber seen racing his Ferrari - annoying the fuck out of his neighbors??

Baby, baby, baby oohh…What the fuck is up with this kid?

This kid is no Bieber. He is a fucking annoying little Beaver! Dude, why don’t you take your Bad Boy Beaver act and go chew on some wood, or build a dam, because when the cops finally throw your ass in jail, Bad Boy Bieber would... Barely Blink!

 
Copyright © 2013 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

The Fallen Te’o

Ha! Is this Manti Te’o dude a fucking Looney-Tune? Or is he secretly a Kardashian in search of attention—through annoying publicity stunts?

She is my girlfriend…no she’s not... but, she’s dead and in a better place with my real girlfriend. Between Te’o and Lance Armstrong, those two could form their own U.S. Government. Lies after lies, after lies! And, a promise to fix a broken economy? A big hoax!

Te’o, a linebacker at the University of Notre Dame told social media a heartwarming tale of his relationship with a young woman who was suffering from leukemia, but died before they ever met.
  
Holy Mackerel! This Te’o dude is nothing but a psychologically sick Catfish! An internet predator who creates a fake identity with the intention of getting other people or a person to fall in love with them.

Perhaps Te’o wanted to live out his childhood fantasy of being marooned on a Hawaiian island with a gorgeous brunette trying to feed her his coconuts.

Te’o, you need to fashion your lies from the King of Lies. Bill Clinton could Barely Blink when he said, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” which [I agree] is completely different from putting his cigar up her butt!!

Copyright © 2013 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

No Pants Subway Ride

There is something about Democracy that unleashes a liberal circus in some folks. Democracy, for me, unleashes the sting of my tongue and the art of reporting on some of the most bizarre and obtuse things I encounter. For example...I could Barely Blink today (January 13, 2013) when I noticed random groups of folks bearing their underwears in the 50-degree, misty, grey winter weather—all in the name of the 12th Annual No Pants Subway Ride Day.

I must have missed the memo on this No Pants Day, or I would have been clad in a pair of my Calvin Klein boxer-briefs bearing all of my big, bulging, business. Instead, I stood, dissatisfied when I approached the apparent ring-leader of one of the Pants-less groups and asked, “What's this masquerade for?”

“Ahhh...No Pants Day,” he responded.
“Yeah? What the fuck is that?” I delved.
“Ahhh...” the duffus paused.
“It's an annual event staged by an Improv,” his wimpy partner-in-stupidity interjected.  “It was started by these seven guys a few years ago and now grown into an international celebration of silliness,” He concluded. I opted to ponder his rehearsed delivery, since his ring-leading buddy was stomped for speech.

Ha! The things folks do for attention, which includes arrest and jail time, of which I am certain will result for most of those Pants-less idiots at the end of the day.

 
Copyright © 2013 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

“Tickle Me Elmo!”

Get a load of this! Kevin Clash, the puppeteer behind Sesame Street’s adorable, furry, red monster, Elmo, resigns on Tuesday amidst allegations that he sexually abused underage boys.

 

Ironically, Clash has been working behind small bodies for many years, causing his seemingly precocious act to trigger bountiful fantasies that made dainty-little boys beg Elmo to “tickle them.”

 

While puppet master, Clash has admitted to being gay, his sexual behavior with a [then] 15-year old boy and another lad who said he had sex with Clash when he was 16—but recanted his statement—has Clash in statutory hot waters!

 

I feel sorry for poor Elmo. I could Barely Blink, as I cannot imagine him behind bars. He would turn from bright red to prison orange, scarred with tattoos and a bandana on his head, while his master, Mr. Clash, enjoys a quotidian play of “tickle me Elmo.”

 

Copyright © 2012 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

Florida In A State of Delay

Thursday, November 8, 2012 – late afternoon just when the nation had finished celebrating or perhaps recovering from the news of President Barack Obama’s reelection, the State of Florida was finally releasing its election results.

I find this to be particularly interesting, considering the State of Alaska – four hours behind the State of Florida – wrapped up their voting results on election night, then, folks probably wandered off and stood by their windows to see Russia.

Perhaps Floridians staked-out polling stations in order to avoid another Penske rental truck scandal, while election officials inside the stations were forced to revert to a 48-hour ballot count!

Governor Romney could Barely Blink when he conceded. I imagine he held back tears, while plagued by thoughts of the magnitude of funds he lost on a useless campaign.

Ha! Time to retire to Florida, Mitt, because according to your wife, your political career is over! Perhaps Floridians would sympathize, and accept you as a resident. Although, I suspect it would take them a while before they could count you in.

Copyright © 2012 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

Freak ‘n Naked Storm!

Tuesday, October 29, 2012 – I could Barely Blink when a swarm of teenagers stormed through the streets at 11:45 pm, amidst the dangerous Frankenstorm [Sandy], wearing nothing but bikinis and swim trunks.

If I were a young and dumb adventurous lad, I suppose I would egg this impishness on, or a squeamish girl with a fear of danger, I would yell out to them to get inside. But, I am only a resident in the City of Freak ‘n Madness.  A city where defying normalcy can be a mark of distinction, a city that is governed by hand-shakes and puppet masters, a city where a looming storm caused its entire operations to cease and a bunch of idle teenagers to parade their pale skins in the middle of the streets—scantily clad in the name of fun or perhaps foolishness!

Forty-seven (47) degrees, in the middle of a storm, and, I assumed I had seen it all, when here comes this giant, chunky lad running as if he had scored a touchdown—minus his sportsman apparel. This fucking kid was naked! Ironically, his colossal frame made up for what he lacked in his jockstrap. This wiener must clearly be oblivious to the science of coldness and shrinkage.  

Well, I’ll be damned! I certainly did not expect Sandy to cause this type of Freak ‘n Naked Storm, yet I cannot say that I am surprise... I could Barely Blink!

Copyright © 2012 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

Oprah, The Queen of Fork

Ha! I could Barely Blink when I read that Media Mogul, Oprah Winfrey made an ignorant comment about Indians while on a recent visit to Mumbai for a segment of her new show, Oprah’s Next Chapter.

According to the Associated Press, The Queen of Talk bit off more than she could chew while dining with a courtly Mumbai family. In an effort to make small talk, Winfrey voiced her observation at the dinner table, “I hear some Indian people eat with their hands still.”  Although the hosting family took no offense to Winfrey’s inquisitive comment, a surge of letters were published on CNN-IBN website from outraged Indians—mainly one who cited that Winfrey is, “myopic, unaware, ignorant, and gauche.”

The problem here is this. Using your hands to eat is a well established [ancient] Indian tradition, which Indians are not ashamed of. So, Winfrey should have picked up a ‘culture guide’ before she journeyed to the East with such gross Western ignorance!

Frankly, Winfrey might need a course in Table Etiquette 101. #1. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you! Or, next time, since she is so concerned about folks eating with their hands, pack a damn fork!

Copyright © 2012 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

Olympic Flames for Mitt Romney

When Mitt Romney traveled to London on his first official trip as the presumptive Republican presidential nominee, things went way South before Romney realized he was way North. When asked whether London is ready for the 2012 Olympic Games, that jackass responded by saying there were “disconcerting” signs—implying that the Brits are unprepared.

Romney quickly sparked a fire burning faster than the Olympic flames, but the Brits extinguished it just as quickly, responding collectively to his unsavory comment.

Frankly, this is probably the sign of a Debutante with a silver spoon so far up his ass; he is out-of-touch and unable to relate to civilization. He could Barely Blink!

If I were the Brits, I would revoke his visa and deport his ass. However, Romney may have already sealed his presidential fate. That silver spoon jackass!

Copyright © 2012 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.