Barely Blink

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Bad Boy Bieber

I am confused as to why the punkish antics of Justin Bieber have become greater headline news than the Supreme Court’s ruling on same-sex marriage. Frankly, I don’t give a fuck about either, but, the brat-ish and recent brutish Bieber antics have seemingly spiraled out of control.

A Shirtless Bieber seen parading through an airport?? A Trayvon Martin, Beiber seen in a fist fight with reporters?? A Danica Patrick, Beiber seen racing his Ferrari - annoying the fuck out of his neighbors??

Baby, baby, baby oohh…What the fuck is up with this kid?

This kid is no Bieber. He is a fucking annoying little Beaver! Dude, why don’t you take your Bad Boy Beaver act and go chew on some wood, or build a dam, because when the cops finally throw your ass in jail, Bad Boy Bieber would... Barely Blink!

Friday, January 18, 2013

The Fallen Te’o

Ha! Is this Manti Te’o dude a fucking Looney-Tune? Or is he secretly a Kardashian in search of attention—through annoying publicity stunts?

She is my girlfriend…no she’s not... but, she’s dead and in a better place with my real girlfriend. Between Te’o and Lance Armstrong, those two could form their own U.S. Government. Lies after lies, after lies! And, a promise to fix a broken economy? A big hoax!

Te’o, a linebacker at the University of Notre Dame told social media a heartwarming tale of his relationship with a young woman who was suffering from leukemia, but died before they ever met.

Holy Mackerel! This Te’o dude is nothing but a psychologically sick Catfish! An internet predator who creates a fake identity with the intention of getting other people or a person to fall in love with them.

Perhaps Te’o wanted to live out his childhood fantasy of being marooned on a Hawaiian island with a gorgeous brunette trying to feed her his coconuts.

Te’o, you need to fashion your lies from the King of Lies. Bill Clinton could Barely Blink when he said, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” which [I agree] is completely different from putting his cigar up her butt!!

Monday, January 14, 2013

No Pants Subway Ride

There is something about Democracy that unleashes a liberal circus in some folks. Democracy, for me, unleashes the sting of my tongue and the art of reporting on some of the most bizarre and obtuse things I encounter. For example...I could Barely Blink today (January 13, 2013) when I noticed random groups of folks bearing their underwears in the 50-degree, misty, grey winter weather—all in the name of the 12th Annual No Pants Subway Ride Day.

I must have missed the memo on this No Pants Day, or I would have been clad in a pair of my Calvin Klein boxer-briefs bearing all of my big, bulging, business. Instead, I stood, dissatisfied when I approached the apparent ring-leader of one of the Pants-less groups and asked, “What's this masquerade for?”

“Ahhh...No Pants Day,” he responded.
“Yeah? What the fuck is that?” I delved.
“Ahhh...” the duffus paused.
“It's an annual event staged by an Improv,” his wimpy partner-in-stupidity interjected. “It was started by these seven guys a few years ago and now grown into an international celebration of silliness,” He concluded. I opted to ponder his rehearsed delivery, since his ring-leading buddy was stomped for speech.

Ha! The things folks do for attention, which includes arrest and jail time, of which I am certain will result for most of those Pants-less idiots at the end of the day.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

“Tickle Me Elmo!”

Get a load of this! Kevin Clash, the puppeteer behind Sesame Street’s adorable, furry, red monster, Elmo, resigns on Tuesday amidst allegations that he sexually abused underage boys.

Ironically, Clash has been working behind small bodies for many years, causing his seemingly precocious act to trigger bountiful fantasies that made dainty-little boys beg Elmo to “tickle them.”

While puppet master, Clash has admitted to being gay, his sexual behavior with a [then] 15-year old boy and another lad who said he had sex with Clash when he was 16—but recanted his statement—has Clash in statutory hot waters!

I feel sorry for poor Elmo. I could Barely Blink, as I cannot imagine him behind bars. He would turn from bright red to prison orange, scarred with tattoos and a bandana on his head, while his master, Mr. Clash, enjoys a quotidian play of “tickle me Elmo.”

Friday, November 9, 2012

Florida In A State of Delay

Thursday, November 8, 2012 – late afternoon just when the nation had finished celebrating or perhaps recovering from the news of President Barack Obama’s reelection, the State of Florida was finally releasing its election results.

I find this to be particularly interesting, considering the State of Alaska – four hours behind the State of Florida – wrapped up their voting results on election night, then, folks probably wandered off and stood by their windows to see Russia.

Perhaps Floridians staked-out polling stations in order to avoid another Penske rental truck scandal, while election officials inside the stations were forced to revert to a 48-hour ballot count!

Governor Romney could Barely Blink when he conceded. I imagine he held back tears, while plagued by thoughts of the magnitude of funds he lost on a useless campaign.

Ha! Time to retire to Florida, Mitt, because according to your wife, your political career is over! Perhaps Floridians would sympathize, and accept you as a resident. Although, I suspect it would take them a while before they could count you in.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Freak ‘n Naked Storm!

Tuesday, October 29, 2012 – I could Barely Blink when a swarm of teenagers stormed through the streets at 11:45 pm, amidst the dangerous Frankenstorm [Sandy], wearing nothing but bikinis and swim trunks.

If I were a young and dumb adventurous lad, I suppose I would egg this impishness on, or a squeamish girl with a fear of danger, I would yell out to them to get inside. But, I am only a resident in the City of Freak ‘n Madness. A city where defying normalcy can be a mark of distinction, a city that is governed by hand-shakes and puppet masters, a city where a looming storm caused its entire operations to cease and a bunch of idle teenagers to parade their pale skins in the middle of the streets—scantily clad in the name of fun or perhaps foolishness!

Forty-seven (47) degrees, in the middle of a storm, and, I assumed I had seen it all, when here comes this giant, chunky lad running as if he had scored a touchdown—minus his sportsman apparel. This fucking kid was naked! Ironically, his colossal frame made up for what he lacked in his jockstrap. This wiener must clearly be oblivious to the science of coldness and shrinkage.

Well, I’ll be damned! I certainly did not expect Sandy to cause this type of Freak ‘n Naked Storm, yet I cannot say that I am surprise... I could Barely Blink!

Friday, August 31, 2012

Oprah, The Queen of Fork

Ha! I could Barely Blink when I read that Media Mogul, Oprah Winfrey made an ignorant comment about Indians while on a recent visit to Mumbai for a segment of her new show, Oprah’s Next Chapter.

According to the Associated Press, The Queen of Talk bit off more than she could chew while dining with a courtly Mumbai family. In an effort to make small talk, Winfrey voiced her observation at the dinner table, “I hear some Indian people eat with their hands still.” Although the hosting family took no offense to Winfrey’s inquisitive comment, a surge of letters were published on CNN-IBN website from outraged Indians—mainly one who cited that Winfrey is, “myopic, unaware, ignorant, and gauche.”

The problem here is this. Using your hands to eat is a well established [ancient] Indian tradition, which Indians are not ashamed of. So, Winfrey should have picked up a ‘culture guide’ before she journeyed to the East with such gross Western ignorance!

Frankly, Winfrey might need a course in Table Etiquette 101. #1. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you! Or, next time, since she is so concerned about folks eating with their hands, pack a damn fork!