Barely Blink

Thursday, April 11, 2013

U.S. Congress In A Legal Bind

I could Barely Blink as Congress begins to stir things up with a number of tough decisions. Guns, gays and store-aways, all campaign reform promises President Obama might not be able to fulfill.

I propose the following:

Guns

Bring on the Colorado Dark Knight for a Batman blaze of glory up in Congress and we shall see how quickly these political Jokers endorse the Second Amendment.

Gays (Same-Sex Marriage)

Consider this. Vice President, Joe Biden frequently puts his foot in his mouth, yet everyone accepts him for his verbal follies and for being just Joe. My point is… who the fuck cares!

Store-Aways (Immigration)

Issue an executive order that would grant amnesty to illegal immigrants. Make it a national holiday and a nationwide party with tacos, burritos, nachos and a huge Uncle Tom piñata. This would keep frustrated Mexicans from taking their wives to the cliff Te-qui-la.

Copyright © 2013 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Oprah’s Lifeclass on Thin Ice

Flicking through my TV channels, I could Barely Blink when I encountered media mogul, Oprah Winfrey, and a woman famed for her in-your-face life coaching, Iyanla Vanzant, berating and cornering this Caucasian woman about the [in their opinion] bad choices she made in life on an episode of Oprah’s Lifeclass.

If this were the 60s, these two would be erased, and Vanzant stoned to death for her witchcraft-like intuitiveness amidst her bullying antics!

In 2011, Vanzant and Winfrey publically rekindled their friendship after an 11-year fall-out, and while Vanzant stated she was disappointed in Winfrey’s lack of support, Winfrey responded matter-of-factly that she did not know Vanzant sought her support. Ha! Just call Winfrey the B Word…a Billionaire who does not give a flying fuck about anyone – including her rent-a-husband, Stedman!

Here they are in 2013, bosom-buddies antagonizing white people. These two need to learn a lesson on the history of America’s Lifeclass… that they might be skating on some very thin, retaliatory Redneck ice!

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Bad Boy Bieber

I am confused as to why the punkish antics of Justin Bieber have become greater headline news than the Supreme Court’s ruling on same-sex marriage. Frankly, I don’t give a fuck about either, but, the brat-ish and recent brutish Bieber antics have seemingly spiraled out of control.

A Shirtless Bieber seen parading through an airport?? A Trayvon Martin, Beiber seen in a fist fight with reporters?? A Danica Patrick, Beiber seen racing his Ferrari - annoying the fuck out of his neighbors??

Baby, baby, baby oohh…What the fuck is up with this kid?

This kid is no Bieber. He is a fucking annoying little Beaver! Dude, why don’t you take your Bad Boy Beaver act and go chew on some wood, or build a dam, because when the cops finally throw your ass in jail, Bad Boy Bieber would... Barely Blink!

Friday, January 18, 2013

The Fallen Te’o

Ha! Is this Manti Te’o dude a fucking Looney-Tune? Or is he secretly a Kardashian in search of attention—through annoying publicity stunts?

She is my girlfriend…no she’s not... but, she’s dead and in a better place with my real girlfriend. Between Te’o and Lance Armstrong, those two could form their own U.S. Government. Lies after lies, after lies! And, a promise to fix a broken economy? A big hoax!

Te’o, a linebacker at the University of Notre Dame told social media a heartwarming tale of his relationship with a young woman who was suffering from leukemia, but died before they ever met.

Holy Mackerel! This Te’o dude is nothing but a psychologically sick Catfish! An internet predator who creates a fake identity with the intention of getting other people or a person to fall in love with them.

Perhaps Te’o wanted to live out his childhood fantasy of being marooned on a Hawaiian island with a gorgeous brunette trying to feed her his coconuts.

Te’o, you need to fashion your lies from the King of Lies. Bill Clinton could Barely Blink when he said, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” which [I agree] is completely different from putting his cigar up her butt!!

Monday, January 14, 2013

No Pants Subway Ride

There is something about Democracy that unleashes a liberal circus in some folks. Democracy, for me, unleashes the sting of my tongue and the art of reporting on some of the most bizarre and obtuse things I encounter. For example...I could Barely Blink today (January 13, 2013) when I noticed random groups of folks bearing their underwears in the 50-degree, misty, grey winter weather—all in the name of the 12th Annual No Pants Subway Ride Day.

I must have missed the memo on this No Pants Day, or I would have been clad in a pair of my Calvin Klein boxer-briefs bearing all of my big, bulging, business. Instead, I stood, dissatisfied when I approached the apparent ring-leader of one of the Pants-less groups and asked, “What's this masquerade for?”

“Ahhh...No Pants Day,” he responded.
“Yeah? What the fuck is that?” I delved.
“Ahhh...” the duffus paused.
“It's an annual event staged by an Improv,” his wimpy partner-in-stupidity interjected. “It was started by these seven guys a few years ago and now grown into an international celebration of silliness,” He concluded. I opted to ponder his rehearsed delivery, since his ring-leading buddy was stomped for speech.

Ha! The things folks do for attention, which includes arrest and jail time, of which I am certain will result for most of those Pants-less idiots at the end of the day.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

“Tickle Me Elmo!”

Get a load of this! Kevin Clash, the puppeteer behind Sesame Street’s adorable, furry, red monster, Elmo, resigns on Tuesday amidst allegations that he sexually abused underage boys.

Ironically, Clash has been working behind small bodies for many years, causing his seemingly precocious act to trigger bountiful fantasies that made dainty-little boys beg Elmo to “tickle them.”

While puppet master, Clash has admitted to being gay, his sexual behavior with a [then] 15-year old boy and another lad who said he had sex with Clash when he was 16—but recanted his statement—has Clash in statutory hot waters!

I feel sorry for poor Elmo. I could Barely Blink, as I cannot imagine him behind bars. He would turn from bright red to prison orange, scarred with tattoos and a bandana on his head, while his master, Mr. Clash, enjoys a quotidian play of “tickle me Elmo.”

Friday, November 9, 2012

Florida In A State of Delay

Thursday, November 8, 2012 – late afternoon just when the nation had finished celebrating or perhaps recovering from the news of President Barack Obama’s reelection, the State of Florida was finally releasing its election results.

I find this to be particularly interesting, considering the State of Alaska – four hours behind the State of Florida – wrapped up their voting results on election night, then, folks probably wandered off and stood by their windows to see Russia.

Perhaps Floridians staked-out polling stations in order to avoid another Penske rental truck scandal, while election officials inside the stations were forced to revert to a 48-hour ballot count!

Governor Romney could Barely Blink when he conceded. I imagine he held back tears, while plagued by thoughts of the magnitude of funds he lost on a useless campaign.

Ha! Time to retire to Florida, Mitt, because according to your wife, your political career is over! Perhaps Floridians would sympathize, and accept you as a resident. Although, I suspect it would take them a while before they could count you in.