The Conscientious Beggar

Upon entering a train station, I could Barely Blink when a homeless dude politely asked me for eighty-two cents. I wondered whether this currency specific beggar was financially savvy enough to decipher the difference between eighty-two or forty-two cents - if I were to submit to his meticulous request.

 

Then, he offered details, “I need to get home, but I’m short eighty-two cents.” I marveled at his bold and cunning attempt to capture more than just a handsome penny by virtue of his pity politics. I refrained from inquiring the total fee for his journey, and whether his destination was the corner of Walk and Don’t Walk or a seedy dwelling below the Brooklyn Bridge.

 

Perhaps this Pythagoras could have been a successful banker, had Uncle Sam not screwed him below the Brooklyn Bridge. Instead, he is the Ben Bernanke of tax free income with eighteen cents interest on each eighty-two cents he deposits in his torn trousers.

 

Copyright © 2013 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

Zimmerman Is The Man!!

A Florida jury delivered an excellent verdict [based on the evidence] acquitting George Zimmerman for the shooting death of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin. The prosecution, on the other hand, screwed the fuck up! What a fucking waste of law school!

Speaking of “screwed,” the evidence suggests that Zimmerman did not have to kill Trayvon, he needed to! Here is why…

Zimmerman is corrupted by his own fucking demons, which may have led him to proposition Martin for a Sen. Larry Craig, “wide stance” tryst, and as Martin dismissed the indecent proposal, Zimmerman feared his reputation would be at stake, so he got out of his vehicle and followed Martin to muzzle him for good.

Martin, disgusted by Zimmerman’s queer proposition, could Barely Blink, and proceeded to beat the crap out of Zimmerman, until Zimmerman unfortunately fired the deadly shot.

Zimmerman… Duuuuude…You’re the man!! I fashion you as an O.J. Simpson, one who got away with murder, or a Kevin Clash, a puppeteer who begs little boys to “tickle me Elmo,” behind close doors.

 
Copyright © 2013 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

“Niederlage” for Serena Williams

Germany's C-list Tennis player, Sabine Lisicki served up a shocking defeat, beating World No.1 and five-time Wimbledon champion, Serena Williams.

Williams concede gracefully stating, "It's not a shock. She plays really good on grass,” yet, folks could Barely Blink!

Given the shocking defeat, one has to wonder whether Williams had a touch of German measles and became incapable of returning Lisicki’s balls. Perhaps, Williams should have bought a German Shepherd to scare Lisicki off, or feed her some savory German sausages just before the match.

Frankly, a marooned Lisicki stuck in a broken-down Volkswagen, somewhere in Germansville, would have secured a Williams win by default. However, I doubt whether Williams would join Lisicki for an early Oktoberfest celebration.

Glückwünsche, Lisicki!

Copyright © 2013 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

What Might Be Lurking In PRISM Spy

As the nation stormed into frenzy after a whistleblower leaked info on the U.S. Government’s PRISM spy program – one which allows them to tap into all Americans cell phone and internet communication – I was wondering exactly who I need to befriend to see just what some of these shady Government Executives do in their spare time.

I imagine Kim Kardashian and Jenna Jameson’s explicit sex scenes are lurking somewhere in their Internet history. A little bit of Snoop Dogg and some Gangnam Style amidst their Fifty Shades of Grey. Some bedroom and bathroom antics, like the bobbing foot of Sen. Larry Craig, and a stance as wide as his male receiver.

Sexing, scheming, deceiving and a host of other indiscretions probably haunt folks like Governors Mark Sanford, Jim McGreevey, Eliot Spitzer and that douchebag Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I could Barely Blink as I wonder what might be hiding behind the cool swag of Barack Obama. Hmm…

Copyright © 2013 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

Google Me on Bing

Dining at a local eatery a Bing (search engine) representative walked through the door and began taking a few hurry photos of the eatery. Hold the fuck up, Mr. Gilles Bensimon. I’ve got a Barely Blink reputation to protect, which involves not being seen at a cheesy eatery.

Frankly, I’ve got an identity to protect, but I take it neither is the least of Bing’s concern, as their mission [seemingly] is to upstage their competitor, Google. I cannot imagine Bing superseding Google, but an ambitious pursuit seems warranted all-the-same. 

Google has become so synonymous with conducting internet searches, so much so that I might catch a sexual assault if I were to ask a gal to Bing me, as oppose to Google me. Or, perhaps I could ask her to Google me on Bing. 

 
Copyright © 2013 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

Amanda Knox is Guilty!!

Make no mistake about the composed and sympathetic looking Amanda Knox. That bitch is guilty!!

Convicted in Italy, in 2008 for the murder of her roommate Meredith Kercher, a British exchange student, Knox was released in October 2011 when her conviction was overturned. Knox was originally sentenced to 26 years in prison along with her then [Italian] boyfriend Raffaele Sollecito who received a 25-year sentence for the murder of Kercher. However, this past March, the Italian court overturned Knox’s acquittal and ordered a retrial at an appellate court in Florence.

 
I could Barely Blink when I saw a pensive Amanda Knox, cleverly crafting responses in her head to feed a curious Diane Sawyer on ABC News. Knox has written a pack-of-lies, I presume, in a book she released this month call, “Waiting to be Heard: A Memoir by Amanda Knox.”

There is no doubt [in my mind] that Knox’s bizarre behavior in the wake of her roommate’s grisly death is due to the fact that she is guilty! Perhaps she accidentally killed Kercher over some hair spray or maybe she caught Kercher eating the last slice of leftover pizza. After all, an authentic Italy pizza is… to die for. Who knows… could be some other dumb shit! But, for whatever it was, it was enough to trigger the Jekyll and Hyde in this Good Girl turned murder.

If I were the U.S. government, I would extradite Knox’s ass back to Italy. She would have to face the consequences of her murderous actions!

 
Copyright © 2013 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

U.S. Congress In A Legal Bind

I could Barely Blink as Congress begins to stir things up with a number of tough decisions. Guns, gays and store-aways, all campaign reform promises President Obama might not be able to fulfill.

I propose the following:

Guns

Bring on the Colorado Dark Knight for a Batman blaze of glory up in Congress and we shall see how quickly these political Jokers endorse the Second Amendment.

Gays (Same-Sex Marriage)

Consider this. Vice President, Joe Biden frequently puts his foot in his mouth, yet everyone accepts him for his verbal follies and for being just Joe. My point is… who the fuck cares!

Store-Aways (Immigration)

Issue an executive order that would grant amnesty to illegal immigrants. Make it a national holiday and a nationwide party with tacos, burritos, nachos and a huge Uncle Tom piñata. This would keep frustrated Mexicans from taking their wives to the cliff Te-qui-la.
 
Copyright © 2013 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

Oprah’s Lifeclass on Thin Ice

Flicking through my TV channels, I could Barely Blink when I encountered media mogul, Oprah Winfrey, and a woman famed for her in-your-face life coaching, Iyanla Vanzant, berating and cornering this Caucasian woman about the [in their opinion] bad choices she made in life on an episode of Oprah’s Lifeclass.

If this were the 60s, these two would be erased, and Vanzant stoned to death for her witchcraft-like intuitiveness amidst her bullying antics!

In 2011, Vanzant and Winfrey publically rekindled their friendship after an 11-year fall-out, and while Vanzant stated she was disappointed in Winfrey’s lack of support, Winfrey responded matter-of-factly that she did not know Vanzant sought her support. Ha! Just call Winfrey the B Word…a Billionaire who does not give a flying fuck about anyone – including her rent-a-husband, Stedman!

Here they are in 2013, bosom-buddies antagonizing white people. These two need to learn a lesson on the history of America’s Lifeclass… that they might be skating on some very thin, retaliatory Redneck ice!

 
Copyright © 2013 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

Bad Boy Bieber

I am confused as to why the punkish antics of Justin Bieber have become greater headline news than the Supreme Court’s ruling on same-sex marriage. Frankly, I don’t give a fuck about either, but, the brat-ish and recent brutish Bieber antics have seemingly spiraled out of control.

A Shirtless Bieber seen parading through an airport?? A Trayvon Martin, Beiber seen in a fist fight with reporters?? A Danica Patrick, Beiber seen racing his Ferrari - annoying the fuck out of his neighbors??

Baby, baby, baby oohh…What the fuck is up with this kid?

This kid is no Bieber. He is a fucking annoying little Beaver! Dude, why don’t you take your Bad Boy Beaver act and go chew on some wood, or build a dam, because when the cops finally throw your ass in jail, Bad Boy Bieber would... Barely Blink!

 
Copyright © 2013 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

The Fallen Te’o

Ha! Is this Manti Te’o dude a fucking Looney-Tune? Or is he secretly a Kardashian in search of attention—through annoying publicity stunts?

She is my girlfriend…no she’s not... but, she’s dead and in a better place with my real girlfriend. Between Te’o and Lance Armstrong, those two could form their own U.S. Government. Lies after lies, after lies! And, a promise to fix a broken economy? A big hoax!

Te’o, a linebacker at the University of Notre Dame told social media a heartwarming tale of his relationship with a young woman who was suffering from leukemia, but died before they ever met.
  
Holy Mackerel! This Te’o dude is nothing but a psychologically sick Catfish! An internet predator who creates a fake identity with the intention of getting other people or a person to fall in love with them.

Perhaps Te’o wanted to live out his childhood fantasy of being marooned on a Hawaiian island with a gorgeous brunette trying to feed her his coconuts.

Te’o, you need to fashion your lies from the King of Lies. Bill Clinton could Barely Blink when he said, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman,” which [I agree] is completely different from putting his cigar up her butt!!

Copyright © 2013 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

No Pants Subway Ride

There is something about Democracy that unleashes a liberal circus in some folks. Democracy, for me, unleashes the sting of my tongue and the art of reporting on some of the most bizarre and obtuse things I encounter. For example...I could Barely Blink today (January 13, 2013) when I noticed random groups of folks bearing their underwears in the 50-degree, misty, grey winter weather—all in the name of the 12th Annual No Pants Subway Ride Day.

I must have missed the memo on this No Pants Day, or I would have been clad in a pair of my Calvin Klein boxer-briefs bearing all of my big, bulging, business. Instead, I stood, dissatisfied when I approached the apparent ring-leader of one of the Pants-less groups and asked, “What's this masquerade for?”

“Ahhh...No Pants Day,” he responded.
“Yeah? What the fuck is that?” I delved.
“Ahhh...” the duffus paused.
“It's an annual event staged by an Improv,” his wimpy partner-in-stupidity interjected.  “It was started by these seven guys a few years ago and now grown into an international celebration of silliness,” He concluded. I opted to ponder his rehearsed delivery, since his ring-leading buddy was stomped for speech.

Ha! The things folks do for attention, which includes arrest and jail time, of which I am certain will result for most of those Pants-less idiots at the end of the day.

 
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