Barely Blink: 2012

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

“Tickle Me Elmo!”

Get a load of this! Kevin Clash, the puppeteer behind Sesame Street’s adorable, furry, red monster, Elmo, resigns on Tuesday amidst allegations that he sexually abused underage boys.

Ironically, Clash has been working behind small bodies for many years, causing his seemingly precocious act to trigger bountiful fantasies that made dainty-little boys beg Elmo to “tickle them.”

While puppet master, Clash has admitted to being gay, his sexual behavior with a [then] 15-year old boy and another lad who said he had sex with Clash when he was 16—but recanted his statement—has Clash in statutory hot waters!

I feel sorry for poor Elmo. I could Barely Blink, as I cannot imagine him behind bars. He would turn from bright red to prison orange, scarred with tattoos and a bandana on his head, while his master, Mr. Clash, enjoys a quotidian play of “tickle me Elmo.”

Friday, November 9, 2012

Florida In A State of Delay

Thursday, November 8, 2012 – late afternoon just when the nation had finished celebrating or perhaps recovering from the news of President Barack Obama’s reelection, the State of Florida was finally releasing its election results.

I find this to be particularly interesting, considering the State of Alaska – four hours behind the State of Florida – wrapped up their voting results on election night, then, folks probably wandered off and stood by their windows to see Russia.

Perhaps Floridians staked-out polling stations in order to avoid another Penske rental truck scandal, while election officials inside the stations were forced to revert to a 48-hour ballot count!

Governor Romney could Barely Blink when he conceded. I imagine he held back tears, while plagued by thoughts of the magnitude of funds he lost on a useless campaign.

Ha! Time to retire to Florida, Mitt, because according to your wife, your political career is over! Perhaps Floridians would sympathize, and accept you as a resident. Although, I suspect it would take them a while before they could count you in.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Freak ‘n Naked Storm!

Tuesday, October 29, 2012 – I could Barely Blink when a swarm of teenagers stormed through the streets at 11:45 pm, amidst the dangerous Frankenstorm [Sandy], wearing nothing but bikinis and swim trunks.

If I were a young and dumb adventurous lad, I suppose I would egg this impishness on, or a squeamish girl with a fear of danger, I would yell out to them to get inside. But, I am only a resident in the City of Freak ‘n Madness. A city where defying normalcy can be a mark of distinction, a city that is governed by hand-shakes and puppet masters, a city where a looming storm caused its entire operations to cease and a bunch of idle teenagers to parade their pale skins in the middle of the streets—scantily clad in the name of fun or perhaps foolishness!

Forty-seven (47) degrees, in the middle of a storm, and, I assumed I had seen it all, when here comes this giant, chunky lad running as if he had scored a touchdown—minus his sportsman apparel. This fucking kid was naked! Ironically, his colossal frame made up for what he lacked in his jockstrap. This wiener must clearly be oblivious to the science of coldness and shrinkage.

Well, I’ll be damned! I certainly did not expect Sandy to cause this type of Freak ‘n Naked Storm, yet I cannot say that I am surprise... I could Barely Blink!

Friday, August 31, 2012

Oprah, The Queen of Fork

Ha! I could Barely Blink when I read that Media Mogul, Oprah Winfrey made an ignorant comment about Indians while on a recent visit to Mumbai for a segment of her new show, Oprah’s Next Chapter.

According to the Associated Press, The Queen of Talk bit off more than she could chew while dining with a courtly Mumbai family. In an effort to make small talk, Winfrey voiced her observation at the dinner table, “I hear some Indian people eat with their hands still.” Although the hosting family took no offense to Winfrey’s inquisitive comment, a surge of letters were published on CNN-IBN website from outraged Indians—mainly one who cited that Winfrey is, “myopic, unaware, ignorant, and gauche.”

The problem here is this. Using your hands to eat is a well established [ancient] Indian tradition, which Indians are not ashamed of. So, Winfrey should have picked up a ‘culture guide’ before she journeyed to the East with such gross Western ignorance!

Frankly, Winfrey might need a course in Table Etiquette 101. #1. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you! Or, next time, since she is so concerned about folks eating with their hands, pack a damn fork!

Friday, July 27, 2012

Olympic Flames for Mitt Romney

When Mitt Romney traveled to London on his first official trip as the presumptive Republican presidential nominee, things went way South before Romney realized he was way North. When asked whether London is ready for the 2012 Olympic Games, that jackass responded by saying there were “disconcerting” signs—implying that the Brits are unprepared.

Romney quickly sparked a fire burning faster than the Olympic flames, but the Brits extinguished it just as quickly, responding collectively to his unsavory comment.

Frankly, this is probably the sign of a Debutante with a silver spoon so far up his ass; he is out-of-touch and unable to relate to civilization. He could Barely Blink!

If I were the Brits, I would revoke his visa and deport his ass. However, Romney may have already sealed his presidential fate. That silver spoon jackass!

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Batman - The Dark Knight Falls!

I could Barely Blink when I heard that some Mask-Man had created his own deadly movie theatrics, killing 12 and wounding 58 during the premiere of the new Batman film.

James Holmes, armed with an AR-15 assault rifle, gas mask and clad in black opened fire just after midnight on Friday at a theater filled with eager Batman filmgoers in Aurora, Colorado. Investigators believe that Holmes acted alone and describe him as a Lone Wolf—despite his preference to be “The Joker.”

The irony is, while Holmes decided to conceal his identity [during his theatre massacre], his own mother was quick to reveal it, “You have the right person," she told ABC News Reporters, “I need to call the police. … I need to fly out to Colorado.”

Holy crap, Batman! This Joker is screwed—not just screwed-the-fuck-up!! His cinematography days are over! The curtains have fallen on his act and will undoubtedly leave him behind in an iron dungeon filled with Mask Men, right before the State executes his ass!

Saturday, July 7, 2012

TomKat In A Split-Splat

I could Barely Blink over the media’s obsession with the recent split of one of Hollywood's most talked-about couples, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (“TomKat”). According to the Associated Press, Holmes filed for a divorce while Cruise was in Iceland.

I am neither interested, nor do I care about this TomKat split, but, I will say this… Kat (that Jackie Kennedy wannabe) must have known of Cruise’s Napoleonic complex. She must have known that she would fall prey to a dictating Scientology Jerk!

Word to the wise:

Shot gun weddings do not work;
A man 16 years a woman’s senior is destine to get dumped, especially if he is experiencing mid-life crisis. Her crisis becomes a plot to get rid of him before he turns fifty;
Never plan to celebrate your 50^th Birthday away from your wife. She has a plan too; and,
If you feel like you have met the man/woman of your dreams, avoid jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch or you might wind-up crying on it 5 years later.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Escaping Debt by Death

When Ex-Wall Street trader, Michael Marin was found guilty of setting his mansion on fire as a scheme to escape his mortgage debt, dude decided to take the law into his own hands. He sentenced himself to death by way of ingesting what appeared to be something he placed in his mouth, then, washed it down with a drink from a bottle he took into the courtroom. Minutes later, folks could Barely Blink when Marin suffered from a seizure and died.

What a fucking moron! Incidentally, Marin neglected to look on the bright side of his going to prison, which was, a roof over his head and his mortgage debt…GONE!

Monday, June 11, 2012

Explosive Catholic Mass

I could Barely Blink when—in the middle of a Catholic Mass—a homeless redneck strolled into the cathedral and yelled, “They should rape Jacqueline Kennedy. She is a bitch!!” I suppose an evil spirit was upon that imbecile, or perhaps his mental facility deficient from Prozac. Who on earth goes into a house of worship and hurtle such repugnant words?

Holy Communion! I find those Catholics to be too damn civilized. The Bishop, Priests, Alter boy…nobody budged. Not even a single parishioner challenged to throw that lunatic out. Meanwhile, I resisted the urge to yell right back, “Get the fuck out!!”

I imagine those Catholics would not have mind my French amidst their Latin chant. But, two wrongs do not make a right, except…1 confession, 2 rosaries, 5 penances and 10 Hail Mary’s. Yeah, so… I opted to shut the hell up!

Thursday, March 22, 2012

A Million (Minus One) Hoodies Rally

As the nation takes a stand against Sanford, FL Police’s failure to arrest George Zimmerman, who shot and killed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin on February 26—in what he claims was self-defense—New York City staged a “Million Hoodies” march in protest of Martin’s shooting.

Martin, who was black, was wearing a hooded sweat shirt, carrying only a bag of Skittles, iced tea and his cell phone when 28-year-old Zimmerman, who is not black, shot and killed him.

The tragedy sparked questions of race issues, calling Martin’s death a hate crime, and causing the NAACP to address allegations of police misconduct within in the Orlando suburb where Martin was killed.

In the meantime, civil-rights activist the Rev. Al Sharpton is at the helm of a “Million Hoodies” rally planned for [today] Thursday in the community where Martin was killed.

I could Barely Blink when I ponder, that, if a life depended on the Rev. Sharpton covering his Madam C. J. Walker processed hair at a “Hoodies” rally, I am certain that life would be loss.

Copyright © 2012 Barely Blink. All Rights Reserved.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

10 Reasons Why ABC Would Not Have A Black Bachelorette

She would have a barrage of gold teeth or no teeth contestants.
ABC would need to hire an Ebonics to English translator.
She would get drunk drinking Alizé and cuss the producers of the show out.
A 1992 Cadillac Coupe de Ville, with loud base, big rims and insane hydraulics would roll-up to the mansion.
She would bring her Mama, Uncle Freddie, Cousin Ray-Ray, Aunt Willa-Mae and daughter Shenika to stay in the mansion.
She would host wild parties and have a bunch of Hip-Hop artist clad in wife-beaters with their trousers falling off their asses.
The menu would consist of Fried Chicken, Ham Hocks and Chitlins.
There would undoubtedly be a Ghetto brawl.
Karrine Steffans aka “Super-head” would try to become the next Bachelorette, in order to obtain material for the release of Confessions of a Video Vixen—Ghetto Love, but she would not succeed because…
ABC would perform a Jack Kevorkian and pull the fucking plug on the entire show!

I could Barely Blink as I wonder what would happen if ABC decided to have a Latina Bachelorette. Hmm…

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Boehner’s Politics—A Crying Game

What the fuck? Is politics in Washington, DC becoming a Crying Game? Speaker, John Boehner shed tears when he succeeded Speaker, Nancy Pelosi back in January 2011 to become the Republican Speaker of the House of Representatives. He cried again, just yesterday, when Congresswomen Gabrielle Gifford, who suffered a gunshot wound last year at the hands of a would-be assassin, resigned from public office.

Could someone change the channel from Days of Our Lives to Reality TV for Boehner? He should be crying over the nations 8.5 unemployment rate, or, the fact that folks like Mitt Romney are earning $42 million a year.

Somebody needs to throw Boehner’s ass a handkerchief, because he will Barely Blink and very much need it when President Obama is re-elected, and the Democrats take possession of the House once again in November.